The link no longer works - so here is the text:
SUPER DOOPER IMPORTANT POST
Some of you may have seen an earlier version of this already. I don't care. Read it again. I've changed some of it.
Here's the deal. I'm a writer who just finished a pretty long road trip. Yes, I had a good time. Thanks for asking. Now, before I left, I thought that I paid all of my bills, which was generally true (keep reading -- I'm not asking for a handout), except I sent my health insurance premiums to the wrong address. How could I do that, you ask? It's because I'm a moron. Even morons can type words and sell them. If you don't believe me, just go to your local bookstore and ask for anything by Sean Hannity, John Stossel or (just in case you swing the wrong way), Michael Moore. Yes, he's a moron too. He chased Charlton Heston around asking him about gun control. THAT is the definition of a moron. Go ahead, look it up. This post will still be here. But anyway, I screwed up my health insurance, which isn't a real problem right now because I'm healthy. However, I would greatly like to find a woman who works for one of them big companies over yonder in Midtown or Wall Street who has spousal rights to health insurance as one of her benefits. Note that this probably gets rid of all the temps, waitresses, actors, etc. in the city, and so if you fall into one of those groups, then I'm sure you're really great and all, but I'm just not interested. I'm fairly certain that I can stay healthy and broken-bone free (a big ask) for the entirety of our courtship; however, please keep in mind that if you decide that my oh-so-glamourous life as a writer is too enticing while we're getting to know each other (think the first three dates or so) and you decide to run away from your job and spend your time on a farm in Nebraska or some other similarly flat state, I will, in all likelihood, reverse the feelings of adequacy I held for you and find another woman with health insurance. Therefore, it is GREATLY to your benefit (and mine) that you like your job. See? It's very easy. All I have is this one little requirement. If it matters to you, yes, I'm a U.S. citizen, and no, I will not help you get a green card if you don't help me get health insurance. I cannot stress the importance of your work benefit package to me enough. In that spirit, when you reply to this post, please let me know:
1. The company for which you work
2. Details on your health insurance plan (you know, things like the providers -- I figure that I'll have enough responses to this post to be choosy)
3. Your annual salary (I want to do my own analysis on the likelihood that you'll be downsized before I get your spousal benefits, and salary is one good indicator. Others, such as performance reviews -- 360 if possible -- would be nice to have, but not necessary)
4. Something else about you (so we can have a subject matter on which we may converse initially)
I'll be taking responses on a first-come, first-serve basis, so please submit early. If I don't get back to you right away, please do not be discouraged. This probably means that there's someone else out there who appears more appealling initially, but my infatuation with her might fade rather quickly. Thank you - Jorge Jesus Antonio Banderas de Souza
P.S. Everyone who's responded to this so far assumes that I'm willing to pay them money to get health insurance. I'm not. At all. I want something for nothing, and I thought I made that clear already. Ok? Good.
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